Mutant Chronicles is everything the title promises, but not in an exciting X-Men vein; it’s pompous and drab, with none of the flair that it would like to claim for its hero, Thomas Jane’s Mitch Hunter (Mitch! Natch). The “mutant” bit references the baddies, a set of standard-issue zombies who stab people’s heads and are enslaved to a machine called, imaginatively, The Machine; the “chronicles” part tells us that this saving-the-world story is, like, really old, which presumably explains the presence of monks, manuscripts and a cameo from John Malkovich (dwelling, as usual, in that rare space where total indifference meets utter ham). Please God, no. It’s based on a game, by the way.

18, 111 mins

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