Amy Winehouse went for a wee last week. You won’t have seen this story on the main news because it was probably hushed up by her people. Only the Mirror was there, reckless of its own safety, fearlessly recording the event.

The paper, wondering what a typical night out for the singer might be like, put on a hard hat and protective clothing and watched Amy’s progress at Scotland’s T in the Park festival. This is what happened.

She arrived by helicopter, sang, and then went for a burger. “Tables are frantically cleared by flunkies,” the paper reported. “Any ‘undesirables’ are ejected.”

Amy ate four burgers, before bellowing at an aide to fetch some mayonnaise for her chips. “Where’s my mayonnaise. I want my mayonnaise – now!”

It was at 9pm that Amy, by now full of burger and Diet Coke, sensationally decided to visit the lavatory. “Flanked by two minders and a female aide, the Portaloo is swept and cleared of everyone inside. One poor woman is even ordered to vacate her cubicle,” said the Mirror.

“The singer disappears inside with the aide, and the door is firmly shut.” A security guard was posted on the door.

Let’s pass over the fact that a 25-year-old woman needs an assistant to take her to the lavatory. Here’s what an encounter with a famous person is really like – somebody battering on the door while you’re in the lavatory and ordering you out. Is it any wonder that celebrity folk are held in such contempt?

Not all celebrity folk, though. Take Sienna Miller, who selflessly accompanied Balthazar Getty, actor and oil heir, on a beach holiday on the Italian Riviera while Balthazar’s wife Rosetta had to stay at home in Los Angeles, looking after the couple’s baby daughter. Sienna and Balthazar enjoyed topless hugs and “tender” kisses, reported The Sun, but she insists he is “just a friend”.

Helen Mirren’s cleavage of the third age featured in many papers, but according to The Sun, she’s not the only woman who’s been looking after herself. Widow Gwynneth Lester, 59, is refusing to pay her council tax because she’s spent the money on a boob job.

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