SUZI GODSON
Impotence? Premature ejaculation? Inorgasmia? Sneezing? In the greater scheme
of things, keeping a box of tissues by the bed is, I would suggest, a
manageable sexual burden. After all, sneezing is not an entirely unpleasant
experience. Indeed, it is often compared to orgasm because it is messy,
takes about a second, requires copious Kleenex and strangers bless you
afterwards.
If it makes you feel better, you are suffering from a serious-sounding but
harmless medical condition. The propensity to sneeze at orgasm is closely
related to the Achoo (autosomnal dominant compelling helioophthalmic
outburst) syndrome, commonly known as photic sneezing.
This is a genetically inherited neurological phenomenon, which occurs when
exposure to bright light triggers pupil constriction in the eye. Pupil
constriction is a function that is controlled by the brain stem, the
multi-tasking lower part of the brain. The brain stem connects the spinal
cord to the brain and plays a vital role in a smorgasbord of neurological
functions that include breathing, digestion, heart rate, blood pressure and
arousal. Because the neural pathways for these functions run very close to
each other, it is thought that light-sensitive sneezing, sneezing after a
meal or post-coital sneezing occur when the pathways get muddled up with the
pathway that registers irritation in the nose.
Thanks to studies by the US Military in 1993, we know that photic sneezing
affects between 18 and 35 per cent of the population. Because it is
impossible to keep your eyes open while you sneeze, the Air Force was
concerned that uncontrolled sneezing presented a danger to pilots.
Though it sounds trivial, the sneeze is the second most powerful body
convulsion after an orgasm. It removes air from your body at speeds up to
100mph and, as Muriel Simmons of the British Allergy Foundation, points out:
“If you sneeze while driving at 70mph, you will travel 300ft with your eyes
closed.”
There are no guaranteed ways to stop sneezing and I certainly wouldn't
recommend pharmaceutical solutions for a problem as mild as yours. There
are, apparently, several natural ways of dissipating the tickling sensation.
If you press your tongue firmly behind your two front teeth where the roof
of your mouth meets your gum palate, you may be able to stop a full-blown
sneeze.
More masochistic suggestions involve using your nails and viciously pinching
the skin between your thumb and your first finger. This, supposedly,
distracts your brain and forces it to focus on a physical sensation other
than your sneeze. A less painful diversion is squeezing the tip of your nose
when you feel that first tingle and pressing the top of your upper lip with
your finger.
Yet another says that trying to keep your eyes open prevents your body from
allowing a sneeze to occur, but since people who suffer from post- coital
sneezing often also suffer from photic sneezing, you might be better off
shutting your eyes. When you consider the fact that climax precedes sleep by
about 60 seconds for most middle-aged men, ten seconds of sneezing is
unlikely to put off any reasonable partner.
Suzi Godson is the author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible
(Penguin, £16.99)
DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD
Whether it is the wrong music, a child crying or a dog scratching at the
bedroom door, anything that disturbs the sensuous atmosphere of lovemaking
can destroy the occasion. The romantic climate and erotic zest will wilt
under an onslaught of sneezing. Frequently, it is the partner who sneezes
whose mood suffers most as it makes them feel guilty and responsible.
Fortunately, the reader's problem of sneezing is one that often has a simple
solution. I have been consulted frequently by patients whose lovemaking is
disturbed by attacks of wheezing, sneezing or running eyes and nose. These
are all symptoms that are physical rather than psychological.
The exertion of lovemaking may be enough to induce an attack of wheezing
should the sufferer have asthma that is exercise-sensitive. The answer is
simple. Take a precautionary puff from a prescribed short-acting broncho
dilator inhaler before making love. Sneezing, snuffling and other symptoms
of allergies can also be disastrously off-putting, but thankfully they can
be helped by taking Neoclarityn, an antihistamine, an hour or so before
entering the bedroom.
Other factors to consider are why the lover's antibody antigen reaction has
been triggered. The standard explanation is that bedclothes and mattresses
are notoriously dusty and the haunt of dust mites. The dust and their mites
are liable to rise in invisible clouds, once released from their snug home,
by the antics of the lovers. Sheets should be changed before lovemaking,
mattresses vacuumed and cleaned regularly, and duvets sent to the laundry.
There are other situations that can destroy the romantic mood as easily as the
reader's sneezing, and are much more common. I have often been consulted by
patients whose girlfriends have ruined the occasion because they couldn't
help giggling every time they made love, and it was undermining their
relationships.
The first time I came across this, I assumed that it must be some hidden
peculiarity of my patient. But, after so many similar stories, I realised
that it was not unusual. It was probably of little help to these patients to
be told that they weren't the only people to suffer from this affliction,
and that it was only a sign of tension, not a reflection on their
performance.
Making love can reveal all kinds of latent tics, mannerisms or inappropriate
behaviour such as constant chatter, mindless exclamations, mumbled
profanities, or constantly repeated thanks or apologies when partners are
nervous or feeling twitchy.
It may have been more useful to my patients to learn that once they and their
partners knew each other better, the problem of nervous laughter has every
chance of disappearing. Unsurprisingly, it is usually the woman who
dissolves into giggles, whereas men are more likely to wreck the occasion by
developing cramp.
Dr Thomas Stuttaford, the Times doctor, spent many years working in a
genitourinary clinic
I suffer from hayfever and although it sounds stupid try thinking about the back of your neck when you feel the need to sneeze, i read it and sceptical but it rather confusingly works for me most of the time.
Warren, Liverpool,