All the men here seem to assume that Tina has decided not to have sex at all. Perhaps not wanting "such regular sex" means a few times a week not three times a night - who can judge without knowing the full facts? A couple can reach a compromise without cutting out regular sex .

Sarah, Bad Liebenstein, Germany

Such sweeping generalisations about men. They are not puppies who need to be trained, what an insult. Communication is the key. Relationships should be built on mature emotional responses. Know yourself and know your partner. Don't leave your partner to second guess.

Christine, Cheltenham, UK

lol reading the comments was rather more Intriguing. Men v WOmen

ali, leeds, England

Speaking as a woman who enjoys cuddles (and sex!) I think it's high time some women stopped moaning and wingeing - it's self-obsessed, irritating, and pathetic!

J, Nottinghamshire, England

I agree with Johnny B, we all need regular hugs from men women or children, and its nothing to do with sex.

sarah, france, france

I think it all boils down to communications and trust.Many of us were schooled by a religion with great taboos on sex. I'm sure this training has affected the discussion, frequency and enjoyment of sex and the related touching experience for both sexes.You must talk together about enjoying touching

A.E., Laguna Niguel, CA, USA

After 40 yrs of marriage I have learned that my wife needs a sense of security in my affection. This article hilights one of the most important ways of giving that sense of security. If we concentrate on their needs, ie security in our affection, they will awaken to a desire to meet our needs.

Carl, Galena, USA

i been with this man for almost 20 years and we got married 2 years ago.At first our sexual life was great as the years had pass by we have sex once a week and if im lucky enough twice but thats pushing it to the limit .he excuse its he has diabetes.I stay busy so i wont be rejected on a daily basis

Carmen, P.R, USA

I appreciate this article very much. Married 14 years and still longing for a prince. I keep kissing this dang toad..hoping...heck, it's still a slimey toad!!
whoopty. do.

Stacie Anne, TX,

I agree..as a 36 yr old man, I'm so tired of trying to figure out what a woman wants...if she touches you she gets annoyed because you want sex, but if you don't want her then she feels like there's something wrong. Good Lord, I am reveling in my singlehood after hearing that one!

Sonny, Runnemede, USA

Why can't a couple talk about possible changes in a relationship without calling it "training"?!

My husband and I are very intimate. We hug often. We still hold hands and kiss. These forms of touch not boost our feelings towards each other, but show our children how to love and be loved in return.

Kat, Northwest Arkansas,

There should be a balence here. Woman if you want to get hugs and cuddle have sex more then once a week. Men if you want more sex tuch her more without expecting 3 times a day. Woman or more nuture then nature, concerding they have to rase the young and need those skilles/feelinges.

Kerri, WildWood, US

Why don't we all try to understand how our other half / significant other/spouse are made. When we look out for/strive to take care of their desires/wants/needs, we are in turn showing our compasion and desire for them. If they are able they will respond in kind. If not, try giving them a break.

Lisa, Springdale, AR, USA

I wonder if the guys who are commenting with rude things have ever had a relationship for more then 4 years...

Probably not.

j, RB,

Why is it that men always have to adjust to a woman's needs. Isn't there something inherently wrong with that. A woman must attend to a man's needs just as much as a man needs to attend to a woman's needs. There needs to be a balance otherwise someone will feel unfulfilled.

CD, Turnersville, USA

As a 19 yr old., sex is a rather "lump some of change" in my life. It's certainly not all we do, we will go a week or two without, then do it everyday for a week.. more than once a day... people are so rappedup in their lack of childhood affection.. i take that as being an individual, thanks mom&dad

Ryan, Salem, USA

A.N.
I never thought of sex with my husband as a chore - it was always a gift and It's silly to think you can "train your mate" without mutal agreement. If you're with someone who doesn't respect you, why be with them? During my 15 year relationship, my primary complaint that we didn't touch enough

Patti, St. Louis, USA

Memo to guys - the cuddle is worth it!. What you are doing is building "emotional intimacy" - think octane booster for your woman's sex drive. She needs to feel close for a simple reason- women need signs that their mate won't abandon them in order to feel safe (and thus be sexual) - cuddling works!

Bob, Seattle, USA

Madeline,

The article talks about what men have 'learnt' and how the author provided this lady with some tips to help us 'relearn'. Perhaps you will enlighten the inferior half of the species as to the difference between 'train' and helping us to 'relearn'.

It must be great being perfect.

mark, Berkhamsted,

Sex is like air...it does matter unless you aren't getting any. So maybe those who want sex at a touch have not got enough lately? I know that was my experience. Don't expect a guy to just cuddle at a touch, if you spent the last month pushing him away.

Tony, Laramie, WY, USA

Disagree! Touching must lead to sex. She allows it, you have the green light to go for gold! It's a man's biological duty and to deny it it equivalent to denying right of us in the USA to invade whichever country we want to and for whatever reason. We are 'the man' - get with the program.

Tollers Kincaid, West Virginia,

I guess I'm one of those strange dudes who needs to cuddle after some hot sex. Sometimes all I want is to cuddle or hug when I don't have the energy or lust for sex. And no, I'm not trained or whipped. I didn't have much touching from my family as a child. Now I almost crave touch.

Mike, Ohio, USA

The words train your man dont even appear in this article....why do men think that having the right to a hug without having sex means we are trying to control them? pot. kettle. black. as the supposedly more "logical" speciess, they show a severe deficit here.prove me wrong if you can.

madeline, nottingham,

I'm sick of these ridiculous "train your man" articles. Here's one for the women: contrary to everything you read in the press, train yourself to think of someone else other than yourself and actually give yourself to your man as a gift, rather than as a chore. He will love you more as a result.

A.N, London, UK

Rather than trying to train men. Why don't we train women to have sex every time we offer them a hug...

Andrew, London,

Juan, SC, USA

You don't need data to back up the article. It''s just common sense! Sounds like you need a hug!

Rob, London, UK

I have been with my husband for 16 years, I still like plenty of sex and have a wonderfully sext husband. However it is often he who says, lets just have a nice cuddle.

Tracey, Surrey, UK

The cuddling starts when the sexual excitement begins wearing off. The excitement part lasts for about 18 months. This is a proven chemical thing. To get more excitement you need to find a new partner. Then it starts all over again. For some people this is why married life proves so difficult.

Colin, Carmarthen, United Kingdom

Want to train something to give cuddles on demand? Get a dog.

But there again, what would I know, I'm only a male. I'll should just get back to my clearly defined role of sperm donor and cash cow. At least I have a lower life expectancy so it'll all be over soon.

KM, London,

On the other hand, my wife would be delighted if cuddles always led to sex, but then she'd be delighted if 'Hello', 'Good morning', and 'What's for dinner?' always led to sex too! It's my libido that can't quite keep up, so let's have some balance. Ps., my wife is gorgeous btw!

Robert Jones, Bristol, UK

Can you believe that this has been selling magazines and "lifestyle" sections of newspapers for decades now? And still men and women refuse to change for each other??

Ladies and Gents: You can change no one but yourself.

Acceptance and willing mutual compromise - now there's an answer...

Peter, Phoenix, AZ, USA

I have a higher sex drive than my boyfriend. We both like to cuddle. He seems to enjoy it even more than I. It isn't always the case that the girl is the one that only wants to cuddle and has the lower sex drive. We are still very compatible and helps me enjoy nonsexual cuddling/touch.

Ayla, Oakland, USA

Its true, especially for those who have been to boarding school that are deprived of family bonding and regular shows of affection. Go on give everyone you love a hug. Its FREE

kumari, london, uk

I'm with Johnny B from Canada - I think we all need hugs all of us at any age, a hug and a giggle - essential to well being - and if it leads to sex that's one thing & if it doesn't its another but both are important

sarah, france, france

Men and women are so different. I read a story about a woman getting hormone therapy to become a man, and she said she became more and more orgasm oriented and less and less cuddle/foreplay oriented. It's just the way it is.

See? Homosexuality is the way to go. ;)

M. R., stockport,

I agree with first 4 paras. For me, it’s the same for all who lose interest – it’s down to upbringing. Try counting the Mums (school gates) who kiss goodbye AM & then hello PM against those who don't.
Emotional wilderness in childhood limits/damages emotional and sexual behaviour.

Jo, Devon, England

Seriously?

Look, everyone knows sexual output from women decreases after marriage, eventually petering out into nothing. As soon as guys figure out that sex is merely a tool for them to lure you into marriage, the sooner they can use that to their advantage. Don't get married, ever. Works for me.

Jeremy, Portland,

I am with the guys on this one. A relationship isn't a war zone. Sometimes one partner want sex when the other doesn't (not always the man). But why can't they both talk about their wants, needs, feelings? If they can't what does it say about their relationship?

Deborah, Algarve, Portugal

And once he's an effeminate cuddler she'll complain he's not man enough. Dont get caught in the tiresome loop that is the female brain.

To the Irenes and Laurens -the article mentions 'Pavlov's dog' and the term 'relearn' in the same paragraph on the first page.

Dan, London, UK

Irene, we don't feel in danger, but those of us who take the time to care for our partners would appreciate those sentiments being returned.

Mike, Bristol, UK,

So tiresome to read all those comments with an assumption that a woman's sex drive should be the same as a man's ("3 times a week is the basic minimum"). Women have sex drive but it is much more complex than men's. I think it's about time men stop setting the norm for how sex/intimacy is defined.

Irene, London,

Wow. Defensive much? The article is not entitled "how to train your man to be satisfied with hugs alone" It's just about how to inform your partner that you want hugs that lead to sex as well as hugs that don't and how he can tell the difference (should he have that problem). Divorce? Calm down.

Lauren, London, UK

I had a long relationship which was extremely sex oriented. however my partner always said that while she loved the sex, which was abundant and happy she enjoyed the post-coital cuddle just as much or more! I must admit I never really understood this, twenty years on we remain fast friends.

Michael S. Castleton-Bridger, montevideo, uruguay

Hold on...isn't a man's way of showing affection towards women in the form of sex or just groping? JK. Let's keep kicking the dead horse about how evil men are. Men aren't women are aren't big on cuddling. It has NOTHING to do with psycho or sociological theory.

Ed, Ann Arbor, USA

It sounds like Tina would benefit from therapy to determine why her sex drive has reduced so much and why she is no longer physically attracted to her husband. Maybe once she had captured a good man she no longer felt a need to appear attractive. Trying to reprogram her husband is not going to help.

Douglas, Windsor,

Something is wrong with T and N's relationship. Sex is the unconcious and natural basis of attraction in all humans. Without this natural and loving reaffirmation of a couples attraction to each other there is little hope. 3 times a week is the basic minimum. If not, there is no chemistry!

Dexter, London, UK

So many comments from angry men who are not in peace with the fact that they are not the center of the universe, as soon as they feel that their position as a such is in danger.

Irene, London,

Touching is not sufficient for the enjoyment. It is really needed a thought of touching. That only will give a mind refreshment always. My girl is away frm me I haven't touch once even. But the thoughts of touching her makes me a full happiness. She always askes me to huge. that gives an impression

Shagivan, Colombo,

I have a boyfriend who hugs and kisses me without it leading to sex. sometimes we just cuddle with no intention of sex. why? because if u have that connection with your partner then that person will know when just to hug u and when a kiss is just a kiss.

paris, dubai,

Where is the data to back up this article? I'd like to see the study that concludes men become conditioned to such actions..

Juan, SC, USA

I love hugs from women! And, for the record, my hug outside of my girlfriend/wife relationship is my form of a friendly handshake. I hug my favorite waitress, I hug my female friends, I hug a mates wife or girlfriend. It's a show of affection that has nothing to do with sex.

Johnny B, Vancover, Canada

Here we go again with the arrogant female attitude that they need to train men! Why can't they just accept that the problem may stem from their own behaviour. You can't change the world to fit around you but you can change yourself to accept the world and enjoy it for what it is.

John Morgan, Old Stratford, United Kingdom

Oh damn........got it wrong again [or was it right?] !!!!

Ian Payne, walsall,

I personally believe that some men ARE trainable. But they have to wish to be better persons for the training to stick. That seems to be the weak spot, WANTING to.
As for what men want? IF YOU HAD A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MATE, you would know HOW TO COMMUNICATE your wishes. Simple, really.

Havnagudtim Vishnuverhir, Dallas, USA

Nice to hear your outraged voices, gentlemen! They've been hiding these 'train your man to roll over and give up" articles in ladies magazines for years. "But she still wanted cuddles!" Makes your blood boil, yeah?

seras, berkeley , us

"She didn't want such regular sex"? Well, how "regular" did she want sex to be? My husband and I both love sex; we understand that hugs and kisses don't have to lead to it. But if a woman is thinking "Touch me not" after the wedding, then her husband will be understandably confused by a hug.

Lili, Chicago, USA

My advice to Tina's husband is to divorce her immediately.

Arthur, Melbourne,

I can understand the lament of some women that men can be like this. However, no man should apologize for the size of his libido. After 4 years with my girl, sex has gone from several times a day to a few times a week. Doesn't seem to me that every time she touches me I think of it.

Johnathan, Appleton, WI, USA

Its our fault that the balance isnt "right" when it comes to sex vs. cuddles!(how cute i put that little exclamation point there teehee) So i guess the balance lies not in the idea of two opposing ideals reaching a compromise that suits both parties, rather when side conforms itself to the other

CH, Englewood, US

Good grief... for a moment I had the insane idea after reading this that actually some men might sometimes like emotional hugs not leading to sex too. I must be going mad. Well I shouldn't really read stuff - it's not good for a man's brain to be overburdened. We are such simple stupid creatures...

John, York,

"Together for four years, once the honeymoon phase died down she didn't want such regular sex,"

There's your answer. Have sex with the man on a regular basis and he won't interpret every hug as sexual advance.

Bob Stansalot, Muieritta, USA

great...so, its only abt what women want...men dont matter...i am just so sick of hearing wht men need to do for a women, how to understand a woman...for a change, why cant women understand a man and satisfy his needs???

if there r 5 positives of touching, there are 500 positives of sex..

SG (London), London, UK

if you double in weight, become a drug addict, change your personality or radically reduce the amount of sex you are willing to have with your partner, you're basically breaking your contract with your partner. maybe tina belongs with someone else, who wants less sex? maybe she gulled poor nicholas?

David Campbell, London, UK

Sex is part of being affectionate. Is the goal to control sex or grow closer? I've been unable to advance very far with some women in a relationship because they needed to enforce arbitrary rules. Any man with class respects "no" the first time he hears it without getting upset.

matt, Chicago , US

is this for real?a girl perceiving a hug is a means to sex? thats new for me...

bob, eccles, england

It sounds like Tina's husband is starved for sex due to her unilateral decision that she just doesn't want it anymore after four years. I wonder if he would have married her if he knew she'd lose interest so soon? I also wonder if Tina's looking forward to the inevitable cheating and divorce?

Alex, San Francisco, USA

"Together for four years, once the honeymoon phase died down she didn't want such regular sex."
Then Dr.Pam goes on to deal with the gentleman's 'Pavlov's dog' reactions!
The chap is not the one who needs help. Why shouldn't he expect his partner to be consistent in the relationship? Poor guy.

Fraser James, Whitstable, United Kingdom

So let's turn the question around and pose it as ' and cuddles never lead to sex, I cuddle her and it just doesn't lead to anything more'
Is it still a reasonable situation?

Calvin, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil

It does astound me how some women arrogantly think they can "train" men out of their natural behaviour to suit their cyclical emotional needs. My advice to him would be not to consider marriage until he's found himself a certified fox. My advice to her would be to get a cat.

Humphrey, London,

Tina only seems to be aware of her own needs, and the advice given reinforces this one-sided perspective of the problem. They both need to be satisfying each others needs fully. Try substituting holding hands for steamy sex and he will be "driven to distraction" by every pretty thing he encounters!

Valerie, London,

"I've armed her with some techniques to help him relearn that sometimes a hug is just about emotional comfort and not a starting pistol for sex."

Armed her?

A, London,

Men are just awful, aren't they?

Perhaps we should lock them all up.

charles, london,

Oh dear, what a shame, but is it possible at some point we could not concentrate on over-generalisation and focus on what men want for a change?

mortimer, Brighton, UK