Couples can differ in so many ways - in their habits, their likes and dislikes, their interests and tastes, and so on. But what about when they differ...when they differ? In other words, what happens when they clash, but have different conflict-resolution styles?

I often come across couples where one partner employs a low-level bickering to sort things out and the other likes a good old-fashioned “barney” to clear the air. The way in which such a couple handle disagreements can compound the initial problem if they aren't careful.

Laura*, 38, and Steve, 33, are a good example. Laura has always employed what I would call a low level of bickering about, say, the dog being groomed, the recycling being done properly, or how much they spend on alcohol and meals out. Steve can be quite fiery and likes things to be done and dusted with a good row.

This has become a long-standing issue, with both parties being annoyed by how the other tries to resolve things. With growing resentment, Laura has ratcheted up her bickering (as if repeatedly poking Steve with a verbal stick is going to sort things out), while he's blown up like a volcano with increasing frequency. They are proof of how your style of resolving conflict can affect a couple and their long-term happiness.

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Background

• Does your partner show you up?

• Therapy notes: the rules of flirting

• Therapy notes: the partner or the cat?

• How a fib can damage a relationship

But now the tide has changed and things are improving. How so? Thanks to the use of some very practical techniques to take the sting out of disagreements. Steve has been encouraged to employ a specific strategy where he “names the thoughts” (think Name That Tune!) he is having that usually bubble away until he blows. He now gets things off his chest as they arise, and in a moderate tone of voice. Laura is using a “resistance strategy”, where she resists speaking in an annoying tone of voice and also tries not to keep repeating the point she's making.

If your disagreements end up being about how you disagree, it may be time for you and your partner to confront this issue. To bicker or to have a barney? That is the question.

*Identifying details have been changed

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