“AHA! Come on in and join the piratical adventures!” The moment our hotel door started talking to us was the moment we knew we'd been well and truly themed. But if you will come to a theme park, there's no point getting sniffy about it.

Adventures is probably overstating it, but the new Pirate Room in Splash Landings Hotel at Alton Towers is a brave attempt to capture the imagination of young rollercoaster-loving landlubbers.

Clad to every inch of its life in sturdy ship's cabin-style planks, the room is a mixture of Disney roomset and Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen makeover.

There is admirable attention to detail: all is heavy draping, dark wood, barrels and treasure troves.

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When we arrive, after a horrifically gridlocked 6½-hour drive from London, we are not in the best of spirits. But the salty seadog welcome as we open the door makes everyone smile and the children - twins Joe and Flora, in their last few days of being 12 and Molly, 8 - quickly set about discovering the room's other tricks.

They get the cut of the pirate room's jib pretty quickly: snug sailor-style bunkbeds (instantly provoking a row as to who is jettisoned to the sofabed), below-deck ships' games of Solitaire, Fox and Goose and Twister in the form of pebbles and painted boards, a riddle hand-painted onto the walls, inviting a treasure hunt around the room, and a mirror that transforms from looking glass to goulish painting.

And then there's the loo: we were staying only one night, but possibly the charm would pall of one's every bodily function being greeted by “Weigh anchors! Get your carcases in your seats!” (Our tip for more discreet middle-of-the-night trips: sling a towel over the top of the door to prevent it closing enough to activate the voice.)

Still, we were staying only one night, so we got ship shape straight away. The kids started work on the riddles for the treasure hunt and within minutes had cracked open the chest and were gorging themselves on the stash of chocolate coins and pirate clobber (thrillingly, you get to take all this home, and the singing sword is rather good). Our son discovered the PlayStation 3 and we resigned ourselves to a night in the rather too-tight bosom of our family.

Because this is my only real beef with the pirate room: for something that is meant to be a “special experience”, with a premium price over the standard room rate, the space in this family room is just too small. Once the sofabed is up, and the PS3 is in action, it feels pretty claustrophobic.

Still, the point of Alton Towers is what you do the next day, and both the waterpark and the rides are brilliant. Staying in the hotel guarantees you an early start without the crowds and the rather more dubious bonus of the evening's entertainment. Some things we loved (the Hawaii 5-O music in the lifts); some things we hated (no proper coffee, anywhere, in the hotel; how is this legal?)

In truth, our twins were probably a bit too old for the Pirate Room; at 8, Molly was more its target age group, and she thoroughly enjoyed it. I can't say that any of them found it truly magical or transporting. But it was fun, and when you've opted for a life on the ocean wave, sometimes you just have to go with the flow.

NEED TO KNOW

A night for five in a Pirate Room (sleeping six) at Splash Landings Hotel in Alton Towers (0871 222 9850, www.altontowers.com) costs from £421.50 including breakfast and two full days' access to the main theme park and the waterpark. The cost for a family of four in a standard rom is from £247.

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