The first surprise was a request for a £150 deposit. The second was a confirmation letter that included a seven-point conditions of booking, also advising us to insure against cancellation. We considered taking a lawyer and accountant with us.

The Gilpin Lodge, set in its own grounds a couple of miles from Windermere, describes itself as “a family-run hotel with the atmosphere and charm of an elegant private house”.

No one answered, however, when we rang the reception bell, so I stalked the corridors looking for staff. I eventually found some in the kitchen; none smiled.

An unwelcoming start, but the comfort of the bedroom, at the front of this much-extended Edwardian lodge, was more encouraging, despite the initial smell of stale socks. The decor was tastefully autumnal, with plush furnishings in classic country house hotel style, a well-designed bathroom, and a guests’ information folder long enough to banish insomnia.

Dinner was in a small, unatmospheric dining room: one of several, with adjoining lounges. With no background music and three nearby tables occupied, the result was that hushed, stuffed-shirt self-consciousness that blights upmarket British restaurants and hotels that still equate formality with style.

The food was variable. Pan-fried skate with poached egg was nicely textured, though puff pastry with mixed vegetables was uninterestingly bland. These main courses took 90 minutes to arrive, after a succession of miniature sub-courses. In a more congenial setting this might have been effective pacing but here, bored with being on best behaviour, we abandoned the meal before retiring to bed. Breakfast was a more convivial affair: superb kippers and creamy scrambled eggs, perfectly paced and expertly served. Before we had even left our room to go down for it at 8.30am, however, our bill was slipped under the door for our “perusal at leisure”. We knew we should have brought the accountant.

Bottom line: Stephen McClarence paid £240 for dinner, bed and breakfast for two in a standard double.

Sampling the fare: Five-course dinner included.

What we think: Needs to loosen up.

Best thing: Comfortable room.

Worst thing: Takes itself very seriously.

Access all areas: Wheelchair access to ground-floor rooms.

Need to know: Gilpin Lodge (01539 488818, www.gilpinlodge.com), Crook Road, Windermere, Cumbria.

Room: 6 out of 10.
Food: 5 out of 10.
Service: 5 out of 10.

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